“How do you walk away from someone you love?”
“How do you make the decision that it’s healthier for you to be out of their life that in it?”
“How do you get over someone you were never even in a relationship with?”
These are questions that spun around in my head for a good 10 months whilst falling in love with someone who I always knew deep down didn’t feel the same way for me.
I know what you must be thinking, but this isn’t my opportunity to have a bitter rant about a man I hate… Quite the opposite, I care for him very much and I’m sure I always will. It’s about realising that it’s okay to walk out of someone’s life if you don’t feel like you belong in it anymore and I’m hoping that you, my readers, can find some comfort in this post.
I’d always played my cards quite close to my chest, not put myself out there too much for risk of being hurt like I have in the past.
But it all changed, the minute I met him…
All of a sudden I could feel my cheeks flush, my heart started pounding and my head started spinning …
How do you tell someone you’ve just met that you’ve already fallen head over heels in love with them?
As each month went on, I fell deeper and deeper for this guy and every time he pulled away it just made me want him more.
He was everything I wanted in a man. Intelligent, handsome, kind, sexy, loved his family, had an impressive job and when we together he made me really happy. He made me feel safe.
I’m not going to try and make out he was Mr. Perfect though. He had his flaws. He had an impressive talent of always needing to be right and had almost narcissistic tendencies which weren’t endearing but mildly annoying.
I found out right at the beginning that what I loved the most though, was that he didn’t let me get away with anything. If I started having a diva strop or acting like a toddler he just wouldn’t put up with it. I loved that. I’d finally met my match.
I’m very headstrong. I know what I want in life and am determined to get there. Sometimes I say and do things which might seem ridiculous to other people, but he got me. He understood me. We just seemed to balance each other perfectly.
So you might be wondering how you can be ‘with’ someone for 10 months without actually being ‘with’ them… Trust me, I still ask myself that same question.
When I finally plucked up the courage to tell him how I felt there was silence. Not even an acknowledgment of what I’d said and it was at that point I knew it was over for good.
I was gutted, as you can imagine. It’s not the kind of sadness where you cry all the time, but more the kind of sadness that overwhelms your entire body, leaving your heart aching and your stomach empty, making you feel weak and tired and yet you can’t sleep because the sadness is in your dreams too, it’s a sadness you can’t escape.
It’s horrible being in love. It makes you so vulnerable. It opens up your heart for someone to get inside and mess you up. You build up all your defences, a whole suit of armour so nothing can hurt you, then one person wanders into your life and you give them a piece of you willingly.
But he didn’t ask for it. He probably did something stupid one day like kissed me or smiled at me in just the right way and that was it.
It’s really hard waiting for something you know will never happen, but it’s even harder to give up when you know it’s everything you want.
The worst bit for me , was making the decision to stop all contact.
It took me a long time to realise that some people can be a certain way with you without loving you. Sometimes they don’t care about you but they want to stay connected to you. They love the benefits that come with knowing you, so they do the bare minimum… a little phone call here and there, just checking in, thinking about you etc. What they are really doing is; maintaining that connection, so that when they need you, they still have a way in.
The bottom line is, walking away isn’t easy. It’s the most difficult thing you’ll do in your life.
But you’ll be better for it. Because every time your phone buzzes you already know it’s not him, you don’t have to hear about new conquests or how great they’re doing. You can take the time to start piecing your heart back together bit by bit.
I’m going to leave you all with this beautiful poem by Veronica A. Shoffstall;
After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t always mean security
And you begin to learn
That kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child
And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers
And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.