Him…

“How do you walk away from someone you love?”

“How do you make the decision that it’s healthier for you to be out of their life that in it?”

“How do you get over someone you were never even in a relationship with?”

These are questions that spun around in my head for a good 10 months whilst falling in love with someone who I always knew deep down didn’t feel the same way for me.

I know what you must be thinking, but this isn’t my opportunity to have a bitter rant about a man I hate… Quite the opposite, I care for him very much and I’m sure I always will. It’s about realising that it’s okay to walk out of someone’s life if you don’t feel like you belong in it anymore and I’m hoping that you, my readers, can find some comfort in this post.

I’d always played my cards quite close to my chest, not put myself out there too much for risk of being hurt like I have in the past.

But it all changed, the minute I met him

All of a sudden I could feel my cheeks flush, my heart started pounding and my head started spinning …

How do you tell someone you’ve just met that you’ve already fallen head over heels in love with them?

As each month went on, I fell deeper and deeper for this guy and every time he pulled away it just made me want him more.

He was everything I wanted in a man. Intelligent, handsome, kind, sexy, loved his family, had an impressive job and when we together he made me really happy. He made me feel safe.

I’m not going to try and make out he was Mr. Perfect though.  He had his flaws. He had an impressive talent of always needing to be right and had almost narcissistic tendencies which weren’t endearing but mildly annoying.

I found out right at the beginning that what I loved the most though, was that he didn’t let me get away with anything. If I started having a diva strop or acting like a toddler he just wouldn’t put up with it. I loved that. I’d finally met my match.

I’m very headstrong. I know what I want in life and am determined to get there. Sometimes I say and do things which might seem ridiculous to other people, but he got me. He understood me. We just seemed to balance each other perfectly.

So you might be wondering how you can be ‘with’ someone for 10 months without actually being ‘with’ them… Trust me, I still ask myself that same question.

When I finally plucked up the courage to tell him how I felt there was silence. Not even an acknowledgment of what I’d said and it was at that point I knew it was over for good.

I was gutted, as you can imagine. It’s not the kind of sadness where you cry all the time, but more the kind of sadness that overwhelms your entire body, leaving your heart aching and your stomach empty, making you feel weak and tired and yet you can’t sleep because the sadness is in your dreams too, it’s a sadness you can’t escape.

It’s horrible being in love. It makes you so vulnerable. It opens up your heart for someone to get inside and mess you up. You build up all your defences, a whole suit of armour so nothing can hurt you, then one person wanders into your life and you give them a piece of you willingly.

But he didn’t ask for it. He probably did something stupid one day like kissed me or smiled at me in just the right way and that was it.

It’s really hard waiting for something you know will never happen, but it’s even harder to give up when you know it’s everything you want.

The worst bit for me , was making the decision to stop all contact.

It took me a long time to realise that some people can be a certain way with you without loving you. Sometimes they don’t care about you but they want to stay connected to you. They love the benefits that come with knowing you, so they do the bare minimum… a little phone call here and there, just checking in, thinking about you etc. What they are really doing is; maintaining that connection, so that when they need you, they still have a way in.

The bottom line is, walking away isn’t easy. It’s the most difficult thing you’ll do in your life.

But you’ll be better for it. Because every time your phone buzzes you already know it’s not him, you don’t have to hear about new conquests or how great they’re doing. You can take the time to start piecing your heart back together bit by bit.

I’m going to leave you all with this beautiful poem by Veronica A. Shoffstall;

After a while you learn

The subtle difference between

Holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning

And company doesn’t always mean security

And you begin to learn

That kisses aren’t contracts

And presents aren’t promises

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes ahead

With the grace of a woman

Not the grief of a child

And you learn

To build all your roads on today

Because tomorrow’s ground is

Too uncertain for plans

And futures have a way

Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn

That even sunshine burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden

And decorate your own soul

Instead of waiting

For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn

That you really can endure

That you are really strong

And you really do have worth

And you learn and you learn

With every good bye you learn.

2015 Goals

So now that I have closed the door on 2014… and the first part of 2015, it’s time for me to look forward to what I want to achieve next. I’ve decided to make my goals a bit more realistic and time-efficient this time around so that hopefully when I’m writing my next one I can fist pump the air because I’m one hot ticket who actually did everything I said I would!

So here’s to you 2015… Let’s be having you! #THISGIRLCAN

– Take the next step in my career

– Get a cover up tattoo on my wrist + one new tattoo

– Personal training session at least once a week

– Get fit & healthy

– Win another Retail Award

– Dye my hair back to red

– Treat my mum to a day out at least twice a month

– Clean out my wardrobe and donate everything I haven’t worn in six months to charity

– Learn how to make my own soup

– Pass my driving test

– Make an ‘Epic Meal Time’ style dish

2014 In A Nutshell

Beep…….. Beep…… Beep…… Did you hear that?!

It’s the sound of Keeping It Welsh being shocked back into life! *Hooray*

As you can all imagine my transition from Cardiff to Reading wasn’t as smooth as I would’ve liked and my new job has been keeping me nice and busy!

Although this may seem a bit late to be posting this I thought I’d look back at what my aspirations were for last year and how many of them I accomplished.

– Learn to play the piano

Epic Fail

– Take the next step in my career

Completed! “I’m moving on up, moving on up”

– Move back into a flat on my own

Even more of an epic fail, currently back living with mum

– Get a cover up tattoo on my wrist + one new tattoo

Cover up booked in for May, getting my new one in July

– Become a British Heart Foundation volunteer

Didn’t manage to support BHF last year but volunteered at Race for Life with fellow blogger…

‘Welsh Girl Problems’

– Run the Cardiff Half Marathon

Had already moved back to Reading… *sigh*

– Go to the MTV EMAs 2014 in Glasgow

New job threw this out the window entirely

– Learn sign language

Learnt the very basics, still ongoing

– Go camping (I’ve never been…)

Went to Lowlands Festival in Holland AND CAMPED! Was a bloody amazing trip and I’d most definitely go again!

– Give blood

Still need to overcome my fear of needles

– Fall in love

Sadly, it happened.

– Go to 10 gigs/concerts/shows

Completed!

– Eat at 20 new places

Made it to 14… so almost

– Bake at least once a month

Failed miserably

– Visit 5 places on my UK list

I actually saw more places in the UK than I ever have last year, none of them were the designed 5 I’d chosen though

– Try a new sport

Does a Netflix marathon count??

– Do something that scares me

I did the thing which scared me the most… I bared my soul to someone and dropped the L bomb for the very first time.

How I Kept It Welsh

For so long it was my dream to move to Cardiff and 2 years ago I achieved that dream and made the move from Reading to start my new job here. It’s been the best couple of years of my whole life and I have made the most amazing friends who I am going to be very sad to say goodbye to when I start my new job in Reading in a couple of weeks.

When I started looking back at the things I’ve had the chance to do since living here it made me realise just how lucky I have been to have so many opportunities to get involved in exciting things.

So these are the highlights of my time in Cardiff…this is how I spent my time… Keeping It Welsh!

Welsh Flag

Welsh Varsity is a grudge match of epic proportions. Cardiff vs Swansea it’s all or nothing!

Varsity 2013 was the night I met the beautiful Ieva! On a night out a couple of months after I moved to Cardiff, Ieva was bartending at what used to be Pica Pica. I stayed until closing and she came out partying with me for the rest of the night. We ended up in Live Lounge and I acquired a Varsity t-shirt from a random man in the street!

This year Sarah and I actually went to watch the match at the Millennium Stadium. There was such an electrifying atmosphere with all the rivalry banter and drunken shouting. As it’s typically a student event we thought we would feel a bit out of place but there were plenty of other ‘gatecrashers’ and we drank so much cider that we just made friends with everyone there.

Processed with Moldiv

Cardiff Retail Awards 2013 was the professional highlight of my career. With the awards ceremony taking place on my birthday I was excited to say the least and knew there was some really stiff competition in our category. We had a champagne reception and a beautifully cooked dinner and then as the awards came around it was my turn to go on stage and find out my fate. Beating out several other retailers including John Lewis; they announced that my store had won Best Customer Service in Cardiff which was an absolute dream come true and was so rewarding after all the hard work myself and my team had put in.

Retail Awards

St David’s Shopping Centre put a call out for entries for their new blogging team in early 2013 and having just started up my own blog properly I jumped at the chance to get involved. I sent off a mock post to them and got an email the following week saying I had been chosen to be their resident Food & Drinks Blogger. I’ve been to so many amazing restaurants and met some outstanding people including some of my fellow resident bloggers Steph, Joshwa and Eve.

Blog Events

Photography was always something I’d been interested in but always felt unless I really knew what I was doing and had a top-notch camera that I had no business trying to showcase my photos. Over the last year however I have posted many of them on Twitter and had so much positive feedback that it’s really encouraged me to keep going.

Photography

In May this year I was given the massive responsibility of holding the ‘keys’ to Cardiff on the ‘Cardiff Is Yours’ Twitter account. I spent a week tweeting about where I liked going and what I was doing and essentially shared ‘My Cardiff’ with everyone. It was a pleasure to have the chance to get to know so many people through it and I was able to write a blog post for the masterminds behind ‘Cardiff Is Yours’  and also one for Citysocializer.

The one and only Jamie Laing…

Back in October last year I attended the Student Lock-In where I interviewed the one and only Jamie Laing from Made In Chelsea. As a die-hard fan of the show I was pretty much incapable of shaking while I was talking to him but he put me at ease and answered the questions I had for him. We didn’t talk for very long as he had a queue of people waiting to meet him but it was still amazing fun and he’s such a great guy!

Jamie

When I first moved to Cardiff I was finding it difficult to meet people outside of work so I joined Citysocializer which is essentially a local social networking group. Throughout my time with them I became a Community Host and helped to build up the Cardiff base to a team of almost 15 hosts with on average 4 socials every day. Some of the highlights for me were hosting the Halloween party last year, Mexican Night at the flat which I share with my flatmate (who I met through CS) & the Valentines Mingle at Vodka Revs which saw over 30 single Citysocializers descend for cocktails.

Processed with Moldiv

I’ve been to some amazing gigs since living in Cardiff but my favourites have to be Our Last Night (Clwb Ifor Bach), Daytona Lights (Buffalo Bar) & Young Kato (Clwb Ifor Bach). They are both great venues and I had the chance to mix with all of the bands once they had finished. I ended up doing shots with the lead guitarist from Daytona Lights…Total hottie!

Processed with Moldiv

I have made some of the most exceptional people living in Cardiff and have friends for life in them! Whether it’s a been a fellow blogger, people I’ve dated or my flatmate they have each contributed to making me the person I am today.

I have to say though, the biggest achievement for me has been this… my own blog. Something I started as more of a journal when I first moved here has now become an outlet for my passions. A place for people to read what’s hot and what’s not and actually want to know my opinion. It’s amazing to have such an influence and I have been presented with exceptional opportunities to attend events which has helped me grow my blog and develop my writing style. What began as a humble WordPress page is now a fully fledged ‘.com’ and my reviews can be found on sites all over the internet which I never thought would happen.

Cardiff…you have been amazing!

X

Processed with Moldiv

Reality Without You…

I should have seen it from the start,
A fake love disguised as what I wanted in my heart
It was convincing enough, it was so easy to trust
Oh, I just couldn’t resist, it was the look in your eyes and the grace of your lips
You looked so different in the light that I’d been shining on you

You gave me heaven then you took it away
You let me in but you said I couldn’t stay
Now my feet are back on the ground
And I’m stuck in a reality without you

What It Means To Be ‘That Girl’

Maybe That Girl isn’t so crazy after all. When it comes to guys, she texts because she knows what she wants. She asks to be exclusive because she knows what she deserves. She also knows what she needs — and if that is what defines neediness then, yes, she is needy. Does she overshare sometimes? Sure. Is she the most sought-after girl among young men who are looking to play the field? Unlikely. Might she struggle to find a partner who will meet her high expectations? You bet. She has determined that these are worthwhile prices to pay for establishing self-respecting patterns for sex and romance.

– Dr Rebecca Kennedy